Now that I’ve got your attention….
A couple of months ago I blogged about how women often have a hard time knowing what we want to be *when we grow up.* What we want to commit to outside of family life. And about the eternal question: Why?
It’s occured to me that our mothers may have played a role. Many of our moms came of age in the ‘50s and ‘60s when expectations were dramatically different than they are now. Though things were evolving, it wasn’t easy to keep pace. This left many of them in a confusing and ambiguous place. Hence mixed messages to us, their daughters, about what choices to make.
(My own mom urged me to consider going into law, which she called “a good field for a woman.” By that, she explained, she meant flexible enough to allow part-time work and fuse well with family life yet respectable, and well-paid. I don’t think she realized it wasn’t all that flexible, yet the intention was the same.)
But our mothers are just one possible answer. Another — less obvious but lots more fun to blog about! — is our husbands. The chance to explore this was a big part of my inspiration for Veronica’s husband, Didier.
As you may have seen, Dider is eager for Veronica to succeed as an artist. So eager, in fact, that’s he’s lost his patience with her ambivalence about painting and her apparent leaning toward becoming a full-fledged stay-at-home mom.
What’s more, he doesn’t keep this bottled up inside. In Chapter 10, he confronts Veronica with the question of what exactly she wants to do with her life if not paint. His tone is blunt and accusatory. No taking the gloves or tiptoeing around this sensitive topic. With his European-Moroccan mindset, that’s just not his way.
Chances are he wouldn’t get away with that here in the States, where it seems political correctness creeps even into marriage, making certain topics so sacred, so taboo, that spouses don’t dare call each other on them.
But I wonder: When husbands (or wives) who are secretly disgruntled about being the sole breadwinner keep this frustration bottled up inside, could they actually be holding their spouse back from discovering what she or he is really capable of? What she or he is made of?
My own French-Italian husband spoke his mind, and to this day I’m grateful for the wake-up call. After a couple of years of giving the traditional model of having me stay at home and squeeze in some writing while our then-baby was with a sitter or asleep, he told me point blank that he just couldn’t do it. He felt too burdened as the only breadwinner, too anxious about the future and too limited in his choices.
It was a hard pill to swallow, and yeah, I silently blamed and begrudged him for cramping my style. But I also knew that if he wasn’t happy, no one in our family would be. And to my surprise, I learned what a powerful, positive force the lack of an option can be. Knowing unequivocally that I had to find gainful employment I could feel passionate enough about to commit to 100% for years to come and that would be compatible over the long term with writing forced me to figure out just what that employment — and the passion behind it — would be.
There are other ways our dear husbands can shape our identities and goals. If they like the idea of us staying home and taking care of the house, the kids, and them, I think we’re easily swayed. And if they’re ambivalent yet maintain a supportive stance about whatever we choose, it can make it hard for us to find the drive to act if we’re not naturally driven.
I know — in this context *blame* is an overstatement and there’s lots to be thankful for, too. Plus, I’m personally the type who tends to always blame only myself. But still I can’t help thinking that who we become depends a lot on our spouse.
Thoughts?
How has your spouse’s reaction influenced your personal decisions?
What do you think of Didier’s take-no-gloves style?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Being the sole breadwinner entails a lot of responsibility and frankly, not everyone can bear the stress – when I hear men complaining about “things changing” and “women taking power” I wonder how they would have liked to be forced to support a whole family with their salary, but I digress.
Marriage makes both spouses change, in the little things of daily life and the greater things (life choices, outlook), which is why the choice of your partner is so important – in your case, I’m happy that your husband gave you a push in the right direction and that you took what he said in the right way. Not all people do.
In the case of your characters Veronica and Didier, I feel that they got married too fast, without learning to know one another properly. Maybe Didier lacks subtlety and understanding, but it looks like giving Veronica the possibility of staying home to pursue her dream is, in a way, giving himself the time and space he never had to pursue his own dream of doing research. I have to admit I’m rooting for Didier in his take-no-gloves style: at least, what has to be said gets said.
My hubby dreams of the day I find a full-time job, so he can be a stay-at-home dad. In this economy, I haven’t figured out a way to achieve this.
Stacy – the conversation I had with my husband was in 2001. He actually went ahead and quit his job. We moved to the States, then then September 11 hit. The economy and national mood took a nose dive. But that’s when I learned that when there are no other options, you do find a way, and that sometimes, options actually get in our way.
Sharon, I think that may be the issue for me, since we aren’t out of options (plus Baby turns a year old next week). I remember the post you did about your husband, etc. I actually shared that with a clerk at JoAnn’s Fabric store the other day. She said she wasn’t able to afford college right now and I suggested she look up your post about your husband’s accomplishments.
Sabine – maybe they did get married too fast. In writing their story, though, I was really interested in the ambivalence that can tug a woman / mother in one direction or the other — and that sometimes she herself is not aware of until the tug begins. In other words, maybe motherhood and marriage created a change that neither Veronica nor Didier could foresee.
Sharon – what a great post! I am very lucky, in that my husband has really allowed me to explore and figure out what I’m good at and what I want to do. My girls are just getting old enough where I could really invest time in my “work.” That having been said, he is waiting for the day when he can sit at home and play computer games while I earn big bucks with my writing.
I tell him to keep his day job!
Rima – love that. And am still intrigued about why there’s both an assumption and a reality that we gals need to “explore and figure out” while the guys often already know. But that goes back to the question in my post on Ambivalent Ambitions, which frankly, I’m at a loss to answer!
http://veronicas-nap.com/backstory/ambivalent-ambitions/
My husband is supportive in spirit and words but often doesn’t see how he could support me in actions–like help more with the housework. I work and I write and I make art and I’m responsible for most everything to do in the home. Not all. But more than I sometimes see as reasonable. We’re working on it.
I think most people we bring into our lives has an effect on us in some way. So certainly the person you commit your life to is going to have a major influence on how you live. You want to get along, you want to be happy, you want them to be happy, you’ve got to agree on where to live, where to work, where to send the kids to school, what to eat for dinner. And it isn’t something you just up and walk away from (for most of us–and even those who do walk away usually only do so with a great deal of pain).
Sometimes I blame my husband when I can’t get my work done–but when I’m not in bad mood I know that its my choice to do what I do. And I live in a place where women are free to think of their choices. In some places in the world, women can’t even consider following a dream.
My mother always worked, so I went the other direction when I decided to stay at home with my three boys. My husband and I always knew we wanted one of us home with the kids, but my job as a teacher earned considerably less than his as an accountant.
I’m very blessed to be able to stay home, but around the time my first son turned one I felt a strong urge toward creativity or productivity that staying at home wasn’t fulfilling for me. It’s then that I began to write seriously. I’d always scribbled poetry, essays, and general angst in journals, but I fell in love with the form of the novel in that year and it changed my life.
Once I completed a novel I was hooked. I knew I wanted to write more and I wanted a career as a novelist. I also thought it was something I could to do ease the financial burden on my husband.
My husband has never had a job he’s loved, he grinds his teeth at night, and his stress levels are very high. It would bring me no greater joy than to be able to ease some of that burden, and maybe someday, relieve him of it entirely so he can pursue what he loves.
It is wonderful to read about how open your husband was with you. It took a lot of courage for him to say what he did and a lot of courage for you to take action.
Thank you for the honesty of this post.
Wow, Sharon. This has been a reoccurring theme in our household. My husband is happy that I have found something I love, but it still doesn’t help pay the bills. We are fine financially but he is a worrier and has that “what if” always lingering in the forefront of his mind.
I understand it and feel the guilt of not bringing any income. However, I have NO idea what I would do for a job. To work somewhere like a bookstore would pay peanuts and not worth it. (Unless they paid me in books, that might change things!) If I got a more professional office job, I think he would be surprised at how much more of the load he would have to pick up.
Sometimes it seems like “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” I think we are just rolling with it for now and I’m hoping I can do some freelance work to give me the flexibility to do what I love, work wonky hours around kids’ schedules, and be there for my kids.
I applaud you for looking at your situation as a wake-up call. I might have been bitter and disgruntled. I look up to you immensely. Thank you for sharing this.
I had two ex-husbands who told me I’d never get published. So I (stupid, I know) never even tried. After the last divorce I got busy. While it’s not a lucrative bit for me yet, I HAVE been published. So there. If one doesn’t have a supportive partner then a lot doesn’t get accomplished. Yes, I am happily divorced.
Another lovely post – one that makes us dig deep and think. My husband has been ultra supportive of my writing pursuits during this down economy (which clobbered my once thriving freelance business … a business that played a substantial role in our finances). In fact, now as I face the prospect of some pretty formidable clients again (after almost two years of nearly being one-income – not by choice), he wonders if I should stop the creative momentum and even take the jobs. He seems fine with ‘bearing the load.’ It’s a wonderful ‘predicament’ for me to be in, but I struggle with WANTING to continue my fiction writing, while KNOWING we really, truly need the second income. We can’t really afford to limp along for very many more years. And then there’s a part of me that feels I’m simply not pulling my load if I’m not making money. And I hate that. I wish I could feel OK with taking the gift he’s offered me…
I agree that women have trouble “growing up.” We’ve talked about this so much — my husband has been the primary breadwinner for most of our marriage while I stay home as mom and write as a freelancer (which is not lucrative….or work “odd jobs” to fill in where financially needed). I feel like it’s more socially acceptable for women to search — men have that social pressure to work or they are viewed as slackers. And, like Melissa, my husband encourages me to write–which is wonderful but also makes me feel guilty when I don’t contribute enough….and last year when my husband was unemployed for 4 months it was really a stressor…
From time to time I seriously think of “finding a real job,” but now (here in Maine) there are few and far between opportunities, and I just don’t have the consistent work history to be taken seriously (except for odd-job fill ins…). So, for now, freelance writing and fiction/creative nonfiction writing is where I’ll uneasily but usually-happily remain.
I applaud your husband for speaking out. In retrospect, I think my husband’s change in persona was due to taking on responsibilities in our marriage and family that I felt we shared. Initially we were both working, so why change because we were married? The changes were more apparent to me after our sons were born and I became a SAHM, cutting our income down by almost half. Yet I never saw it for what it was. And, like any creative type stuck in a 9-5 job that pays bills, wondered if I could find that side of my life again. Too much to do for the boys and house, so I contented myself with something with a practical side, quiltmaking. Mostly I got great advice from the other women. One of my sons got a quilt fit for a toddler’s bed.
Today, the tanked economy has provided me with an unexpected opportunity to reconnect with my writing life and pursue creative writing professionally. When I was young (in college working on my BA in writing), my fiance had planned to work and let me stay home and write. Given that he, like your husband, was not born and raised in the United States, he had a different viewpoint from most men regarding what a marriage with an American woman would be like. Still, we parted before we married, quite devastatingly, and I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, shy of graduating by one course. I hadn’t had the career advise that I probably needed from my advisor and now realize he was probably incapable of providing it. — I was 18 when I picked a college, so what did I know?
I’m also impressed that you were able to take that ball and run with it. Mazel tov! And mazel tov on your publication of Veronica’s Nap!!